


Contingere

by Embyre



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24040942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Embyre/pseuds/Embyre
Summary: In the middle of a lockdown, cancer really hasn't got a chance.
Relationships: Brian Kinney/Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	Contingere

**Contingere**

**A/N:** This piece is set during the CoVid crisis.If you feel you are not able to read this at this time, then please feel free to click away! 

**\----**

The news comes whilst the whole world seems to be in lockdown, and Brian keeps his mouth shut; resists from telling anyone, even Justin.By this point, Justin has been in New York a good few years, and their once a week talk has simmered down to every few months, so it’s easier to keep things quiet.Isolation helps with keeping immediate non-family family away; Debbie and her all knowing stare are nowhere to be seen in the Kinney loft, thankfully, and even Michael’s visits have trickled down to skype calls because both Hunter and Ben are considered high risk.

Brian keeps his head down, and keeps his silence.

The symptoms this time round are fast, furious, _painful_.Throwing up in the toilet at three am for four hours has him almost contemplating going into hospital despite everything, but _fuck it_ , he already knows he’ll be turned away because of the damned virus, and there are no staff to be concerned over anything over than COVID-19.There’s no point in telling Justin.In telling anyone.All Brian can do is hold onto the sides of the toilet and try to be present.It’s something he learned long ago - a way to get through the hard stuff that never seemed to cease growing up; the uncanny ability to take himself away from whatever situation was so bad so terrifying, he wanted to be away from... but now, more than ever, he needs to learn how to undo all that; because he remembers what his oncologist had said, the warnings about _too much blood in the vomit_ and a million other warnings Brian barely remembers.

Kinnetik holds on, but by a thread.Everyone is working from home, mercifully;Ted and Cynthia still conference call when they really need something; which at the moment is rare due to businesses bombing left and right with absolutely no need or budget for advertising.Three months in, and Theodore is the one to call Brian, to tell him that Kinnetik is sinking, sinking so fast and far they don’t think it’ll recover.That night, Brian throws up yet again into the toilet and tries to be grateful that Justin isn’t here to see what a failure he has become; that Gus isn’t ever going to know just how badly his dada screwed up.The business sinks, and the world keeps going.Brian hones in years of simple living he’d hoped never to go back to and begins living on nothing but bread and eggs; which is fairly easy considering he can barely keep them down anyway.Selling the loft is practically impossible because no one is selling, and no one is willing to move; and there’s a part of him which is so grateful in a twisted way.If nothing else, he thinks, he’ll at least get to die on his own couch.

————————

In New York, Justin is fucking _terrified_.Not one phone call from Brian in three weeks; but plenty from Ted, Cynthia, Michael; all the usual suspects that pop up when Brian goes into silent mode.There’s a weight in the pit of his stomach that Justin can’t dislodge, and for the first time in ever he actually considers praying to an entity he doesn’t even believe in that Brian hasn’t somehow contracted COVID.Of course, getting out of New York is impossible; and seeing as Brian won’t answer his phone, Justin has to wait the three weeks before he can travel; his heart in his stomach the entire time; unable to sleep. 

He’s on the first plane he can get to; breathing a sigh of relief as it touches down in Pitts.There’s no phone call to warn anyone about his return; he doesn’t want anything from stopping him from seeing Brian, so he goes straight to the loft.He unlocks the door with his key that he’s kept all these years, and is almost taken aback by the smell that assaults him.Brian has never, _would never_ let the loft go into such a state, but Justin has to hold his hand over his nose and mouth to avoid breathing in the stench as he moves through the loft. 

He moves through to the bathroom, and there Brian is.Curled up on the floor, surrounded by… what looks to Justin like vomit and blood, his dark eyes staring into a void.Justin crouches next to him, carefully, checking for a pulse though he’s almost certain at this point, and when he can’t find one, he pulls back, emotions flying through him; too fast to catch, his heart beating rapidly in his chest as though to mock him of his own mortality, his own life, whilst the man he loves is _dead_.Robotically, Justin moves from the flat.He wants to clear it up before he calls for help because he knows how OCD Brian is, but he knows he _can’t_ because… because it’s evidence.It’ll help them figure out what the hell happened, and if he clears it up they won’t be able to.Besides, he has to remind himself, Brian is _dead_ , and hardly cares anymore about such things.

Vaguely Justin registers that he’s in shock, even as he calls for an ambulance, his voice sounds detached and calm, too fucking calm, as he describes what he’s found.When they ask if there’s someone they can call, someone to help, Justin’s head runs through the various members of their so called ‘family’, and he swallows back the urge to vomit, declining to answer.He waits for the ambulance to arrive, to pronounce Brian as _dead_ , watches them take away his lover’s body, numb shock still pulsing through him.

He wants to wait until everyone can be there to hold a funeral for Brian, but of course that as well is impossible, since no one knows when it’ll be safe; not even for a funeral.In the end, Brian’s burial is a desolate, detached affair.It trickles down to Justin and Michael, who had insisted on being there, and Lindsey, though both Lindsey and Michael stay in their cars the entire time.Justin is too tired, too bone _exhausted_ to tell them they can say their goodbyes; and a part of him is angry at them, so perhaps it’s a good thing they can’t actually talk anymore.He drives back to Brian’s loft in a state of shock, on autopilot, and thank _God_ the cleaning company has already been and gone, though there’s a weird feeling in the pit of Justin’s stomach as he moves through, seeing memory upon memory, his mind trying to adjust; trying to figure out what had _happened_ , and why Brian hadn’t told him. 

He stays at Brian’s a full two days; shifting through things, trying to find something, _anything_ he can hold onto, terrified that somehow he’ll forget the amazing man who shaped his own life, the man who gave him the courage to just _be_.On the second day, the taxi is already waiting for him and Justin sits at Brian’s old desk, looks around one last time, and closes his eyes.“I’m sorry,” he whispers.He knows it’s foolish; the likelihood of Brian being able to hear him is less than zero, and besides, the ad man _hated_ apologies.Justin can practically hear him; _sorry’s bullshit_.“It’s not, Bri.It’s not…”He shakes his head, pulls his keys from his pocket and fingers the key he’d kept that goes to the loft.Takes another gulp of air and pulls it off, hesitating a moment.He can’t imagine anyone else living here.It’s stupid, _foolish_ , but this loft was a part of the man that Justin had loved.The only part that remained, really.Something, some sense of self-righteous anger comes over him, and Justin thinks _screw them_.In a moment of irrationality he jerks open Brian’s desk drawer, intent on dumping the key in there.Let them have their key back - if they can find it.

What Justin finds as he looks down to place the key in the drawer is… not what he’d expected.A small, velvet box.The breath stills in his throat.He takes the box, opening it gingerly.Two silver bands shine up at him.Justin’s hands shake as he pulls them from the box as though in a trance.He studies them a moment, before the beeping of the taxi jerks him back to the present.Without thinking, Justin slips the ring that would have been Brian’s onto his left thumb, where it just about fits… and then his own band, he slips onto his wedding finger.The feel of it; welcome, strange but _cool_ to the touch, grounds him.

It takes awhile to get back to New York - boundaries are closing everywhere, and the restrictions are tightening.When Justin finally reaches the little flat he’d made his home, something in him snaps.He sits down on the bed, buries his head in his hands, and sobs until there are no more tears.

When Debbie calls him, months later, she leaves a message saying that they are holding a virtual wake for Brian.Justin snorts and deletes the message.He doesn’t ring her back.Whatever cruel and foul things they all have to say about Brian, he doesn’t need to hear them.What he does do, however, is quietly ship his latest piece of artwork to Lindsey, one that he’d been saving for Brian.

[Drawing ](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RucvHbJwtLUzfrfeGt11K-TTn7YkGBJG/view?usp=drivesdk)

**Author's N:** I thought long and hard before writing this piece.The truth is, that though CoVid continues to wreck lives, there are many out there who are not able to get the treatment they need because the hospital staff have been relocated, or because there are so many cases of CoVid that little else seems important.I read on the news the other day that a new mother of 20 died last week because her radiation therapy was stopped as the doctors needed the beds.People aren’t able to go to funerals because of covid rules (though I understand that that’s changed a little), so even mourning the loss of a loved one has been affected.Everyone is being affected in different ways.I hope you are all staying safe, and remember mental health is just as important as physical! The link is a quick sketch I did :)


End file.
